


whole

by blackfeatherquills



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bonding Over Shared Trauma, M/M, Sastiel - Freeform, not super romantic but it's there, sam hasn't quite gotten over being possessed yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 16:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16453550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackfeatherquills/pseuds/blackfeatherquills
Summary: Sam Winchester hasn't felt whole in a long time. He's not even sure if he's capable of feeling it anymore.





	whole

Sam Winchester hasn't felt whole in God knows how long. 

Actually, anyone with a brain knows how long - ever since he gave into Lucifer, gave into his destiny, allowed the devil in, there's been this strange and terrible feeling of _emptiness_ that he cannot quite shake, no matter how hard he tries. He thinks about telling Dean, toys with the idea for months, but ultimately decides against it. There are too many emotions to deal with; the shame, the anxiety, the not-quite-rightness that he feels in the deepest part of his soul. The Sam he was before was dead, and something else more hollow, fragile, broken, was left in his place.

How was he supposed to explain to Dean that even though Lucifer's presence was violating by its very nature, that it was the worst time of his life, ever since he's been himself, been Sam again, there's still a strange feeling of emptiness inside? How was he supposed to explain to Dean that there was a hole that he didn't think could ever be filled, and that would always be left empty, cold, and dark?

Things hurt and ache, and Sam's sure it won't ever get better, until Castiel moves into the bunker.

'Moves in' is perhaps too delicate for what really happened - it was less of a process and more of an event. One morning Castiel wasn't there, and the next he was, smiling, offering him a cup of coffee that he'd made because he 'didn't need sleep'. Cas is the only one who really understands - after all, he'd had Lucifer inside his head too. He knew exactly what it felt like. 

Knowing he isn't alone doesn't make him feel whole again, but it makes the cold spot in his soul ache a little less. 

It comes up one day, after a few months of them skirting around the topic. Dean's out, getting beer, and it's just him and Cas in the bunker. Sam's sitting, computer open, researching a potential case. He doesn't even know Cas is there until he speaks. 

"I hope you know you can talk to me, Sam."

He jumps, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in and out trying to calm his racing heart. "Jesus, man. You could start with hi instead of sneaking around all over the place," he says, heart racing.

"I am an angel of the Lord - or, was," Cas continues, seemingly unbothered. "I am very good at listening."

Dean must have sent him, Sam thinks. One too many nightmares in hotel rooms, too long after he'd been possessed. The perfect combination to send Dean into protective big brother mode. 

"If Dean thinks something's wrong with me, he can talk to me himself," he says, unreasonably angry, pushing the chair back, walking away, thinking nothing but _I need to get away. I'm not having this conversation right now._

"You feel cold, right?"

Cas's words freeze him in his tracks and he stops, back still turned, whole body tense. 

"You feel like there is a part of you that's dead. Frozen. That maybe will never come back. And ashamed as you are, there is still a part of you that feels like....."

"Like you aren't whole anymore," Sam finishes. _Like something's been taken from you._

He turns back to Cas, to see those icy blue eyes trained on the table, as if he can't bear to look at Sam. He takes a deep, shaking breath and goes back to his seat, chews on his lower lip, forces himself to keep looking at Cas despite the fact that he wants nothing more but to run and hide. 

"I....I understand," Cas says, his expression serious and honest. 

And suddenly, the hole in Sam Winchester's soul feels the slightest bit smaller.


End file.
